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Jokes
Croc snack
A man walked into a bar, leading a crocodile on a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve pollys here?"
"Sure do," said the bartender.
"Good," replied the man. "Give me a VB, and the croc will have the polly."
Joke
A judge walks out of the courtroom, laughing loudly. A colleague asks, "What are you laughing about?"
"Ah, I just heard an excellent joke," the judge says, sweeping tears of laughter.
"A Joke? Tell me!"
"Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to ten years for that joke."
Tragic fire
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of the President. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.
Income Theory
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
Diplomacy definition
The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip!
Brain transplant
An executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q.
After many tests, the director told him that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "A gram of accountant's brain for example, costs $1 000, a gram of an economist's brain costs $5 000; a gram of a CEO’s brain is $50 000. A gram of a politician's brain is $1 000 000 "
“Million dollars for a gram of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"
Generosity
Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
So he
decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities
received the letter addressed “to
The President was so impressed that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
“Dear God,
Thank you
very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had
to send it through
Thanks,
Billy”
Politicians and nappies
Q: Why are politicians like nappies?
A: Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.
The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"
The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."
The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
I've not told anybody
Aussie PM was recently summoned by the US President - "I know you spread jokes about me. It's a bit insolent."
"Why?"
"I am the World Leader, the Most Powerful Man, the Commander and friend of all people after all."
"No, I've not told anybody this joke."
The next president
A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist:
"I'd like
to become the next President of the
The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"
The redneck says, "Why, is it required?"
Dreams
Saddam
calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night.
I could see
"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.
Saddam replies, "Allah is great, god is Allah."
Bush
says, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a
similar dream. I could see all of
"What could you see on the banners?" Saddam asks.
Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
No teams
Q: Why are there no Cuban Olympic teams in sailing or swimming?
A:
Because all the Cubans who can sail or swim are already in
May Day
At a May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a slogan, "Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!"
The Party representative approaches the old man. "What's that? Are you deriding our Party? Everybody can see, when you were a child, comrade Stalin was not yet born!"
"That's precisely what I'm grateful to him for!" the Jew said.
Efficiency test
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending terrorists.
The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA
goes in. They place animal
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
Survey
A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question: "PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE WORLD"
No result was achieved, since the following problems were faced during the survey's implementation:
1. In
2. In
3. In
4. In
5. In the
Taxation in colors
A Dutch
guy was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the
red, white and blue in the
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Tight shoes
As Kamila was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charlie and Kamila retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Fillip's.
As soon as they were inside their room, Kamila flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The Prince attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck fast.
"Harder!" Kamila yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" Charlie yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!"
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Kamila exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Fillip and said, 'See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charlie was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.
"That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!" said the proud Queen to the young Prince.