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Elephantology

Not long ago there was an international competition for the best book about elephants.

France submitted a lavishly illustrated volume titled "Love triangles in the elephants' families."

England presented a royal treatise "Elephants of the British Empire" featuring a detailed history of the royal family by Mohamed Al Fayed

Germany submitted 24 volume set under the title "Introduction to precision elephantology."

USA furnished one billion copies of a leaflet announcing a sweepstakes, "Win a super Elephant. No purchase necessary."

The former USSR sent three volumes, with the following titles,

Vol. 1. Role of elephants in the Great October Socialist Revolution.

Vol. 2. The happy life of working elephants under the Soviet rule.

Vol. 3. Russia - the Motherland of all elephants.

China published 10 billion Little Red books written by the Chairman of the Elephant Society. The paperback version (RRP $0.99) currently outsells all other competitors and comes with free DVD.

Australia sent a 40 000 year old scroll proving that aborigines invented reading and writing a lot earlier than anyone else (they were forced to abandon it about 200 years ago in favor of English which was the only language used for alcohol bottle labels) and used marsupial elephants (now extinct) to build the Uluru pyramid which at the time was the tallest in the world (now in ruins). Sadly the scroll was seized by customs for it contained organic material and racist remarks.

Half Brothers

One Sunday morning Chelsy burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsy aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.

Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsy was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."

Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsy was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half- brother." Heellery just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Caption

While investigating illegal migrant workers Amantha Vanstoun visited a pig farm where she was photographed. In the newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"Vanstoun among pigs," "Amantha and pigs," "Pigs around Amantha Vanstoun," - all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "Vanstoun - third from left."

Assumption

The US President and the Queen are riding towards Buckingham Palace in an open coach pulled by six white horses. They are waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well… Suddenly the scene was shattered when the rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen turned to the President and explained: "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

The President, ever the Texan intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

Brain scan

Dauner went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. Dauner, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Dauner interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

Too hard

A Prince was driving around the Windsor Castle estate when he accidentally ran over his mother's favourite dog. He knew his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly, he noticed an old oil lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up, started cleaning it up, and immediately a genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to a beautiful woman," he said, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman named Kamila (Bulgarian for camel)," and he showed the second photo to the genie. "You can see that she is a bit different… Do you think you can make her as beautiful as the first one?"

The genie studied the two photographs and, after a few minutes, said, "Let's have another look at that dog."

At the gates

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

Sentence

Howard, Blair and Bush were set to face a firing squad for war crimes, close to Guantanamo bay in Cuba.  Howard was the first one placed against the wall. Just before the order was given he decided to try his famous deception skills and yelled out: “Children overboard!” The firing squad run away to look for kids, while John jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Blair was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Tony pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Tony yelled out, "Nuclear mass-destruction" The squad runs for cover and he slipped over the wall too.

Finally the last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." The president proudly stated that he supports the death sentence and refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

Life

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.

"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"

"Yes, I do a little."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"

"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."

"Do you drink?"

"Yes, a little."

"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."

"Then I shall cease drinking."

"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"

"A little...."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"

"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."

"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"

"Of course. Who needs such life?"

Solid gold

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."