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More jokes

Progress report

To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting shit into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, the Politburo demanded an interim progress report. The scientists reported that they had achieved a 50% success. The party requested elaboration. The reply from the Academy of Sciences explained, "One can already spread it, but not yet eat it."

Smarts

Bush, Rumsfeld and Rice are on holiday in Cuba. Bush and Rumsfeld are slaving in the hot sun digging holes in the sand while Rice is sitting under a tree drinking sake. Bush says to Rumsfeld, "hey, how come we're out here sweating and she's over there relaxing"?  Rumsfeld shrugs and says "I dunno George why don't you go ask her." Bush climbs out of the hole he's been digging and wanders over to Rice and says "Me and Donald want to know why we're workin' our butts off and you're relaxing under this tree". "Well George", Rice says, "it's like this." "You ever heard of a thing called Smarts"? "Smarts", George says, "what's that"? Rice says, "Here I'll show you how it works". "Now I'll hold my hand up in front of this tree and you punch it as hard as you can, okay?" Bush sensing a great opportunity eagerly agrees. He gathers all of his strength and punches with all of his might but Rice moves her hand just in time for George to bust his fist on the tree. "Now you understand how Smarts works George" Rice asks. "Gheeez", Bush replies, "that's pretty neat". Swelling with confidence Bush goes back to his hole and tells Rumsfeld, "hey, this is neat, the reason we're working is because of a thing called Smarts". "Smarts" Powell says. "What's that." Bush replies, "now I'll hold my hand up in front of my face and you...

Forgiveness

Karl Marx was resurrected by soviet scientists and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a live speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn't approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: "Workers of all countries, forgive me."

Lesson

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?" His dad replies, "Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capitalism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that." So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through the keyhole and saw dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."  "You do? Tell me."  "OK, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"  

Future

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

"See, comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have an apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker will have a car! And after one more five-year plan is completed, every family will own an airplane!"

From the audience, somebody asks, "What the hell one may need an airplane for?"

"Don't you see comrades? Let's say, there is shortage of bread in your city. No problem! You take your own plane, fly to Moscow and get coupons for bread!"

Neighbors

We have a huge Housing Commission house in our street.

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't registered or insured, she never pays for petrol, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proven yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control...

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

True Navy Humor

Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.

Canadians: This is "Rocky Point" Lighthouse. Your call.

Feel The Love

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start

loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

Abortion Bill

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" asks the President. "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.